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Man: We had an argument and the bitch changed her Facebook status to ‘complicated’. So I goes to her, you still have man, yeah. All we did was have an argument, yeah. There’s nothing complicated about that. So quit with that complicated shit.

Man 1: Men travel huge distances for pussy.

Man 2: They do.

Man 1: Would you go and see your gran in the north of England? No. Would you go there for pussy?

Man 1: Course I would.

Man 2: You're damn right you would.

Men exit.

Two men washing their hands.

Man 1: When I thank drivers for letting me cross the road, as well as giving the thumbs up, I do this with my mouth. (PAUSE) You see that?

Man 2: What the hell’s that?

Man 1: It’s a kind of ‘thank you’.

Man 2: You don’t need to do that.

Man 1: I don’t?

Man 2: You’re already giving them the thumbs up, which by the way, was last cool in about 1983.

The Men dry their hands.

Man 1: The thing is, I’m often carrying a coffee in one hand, bag in the other, so I’m conscious the thumbs up might not be visible to the driver.

Man 2: Choose one. The thumb, or the mouth. You don’t need to do both.

The men exit.

Man 1 and Man 2 walk into loos.

Man 1: ...You know why she's being funny with me?

Man 2: Who? The boss?

The two begin urinating.

Man 1: Yeah, the boss. This is cos last night, yeah, she was at my bus stop, the one right outside work, with her fella and she saw me see her kiss her boyfriend.

Man 2: What's he like?

Man 1: Bit short.

Man 2: Short?

Man 1: Punching above his weight, definitely. Anyway, of course I glanced over. I mean, I see her every day going about her work in that stupid ice maiden mode, then I'm seeing her all passionate with her tongue down this short arse's throat, the contrast is striking.

Man 2: That is a contrast. So reserved then all of a sudden, five minutes after leaving work, she's having a snog.

Man 1: What was I meant to do? That was my bus top. I've never seen her there before. What, am I meant to suddenly find another way to get hime.

Man 2: Well, you could've got the 2 round the corner.

Man 1: So I got to walk around the corner just so she can continue kissing this guy's face off?

Man 2: I'm just saying...

Man: (ON PHONE) Blad, I nearly give the woman a lick. Bitch shoulda told me she busts like a man. (PAUSE) My mum's back tomorrow, blad. Gona cost me at least twenty to get rid of the stains, you get me?

 Man 1: (URINATING) I mean, do we need to have the women's right next to us? Do we need to see them coming out the khazi and do they need to see us?

Man 2: (URINATING) Course they don't.

Man 1: I'm away from my desk for 10 minutes, they can already guess what I've done.

Man 2: Of course they can.

Man 1: Do they need confirmation by seeing me physically coming out of here?

Man 2: No.

Man 1: The gents and ladies should be at opposite ends of the building. We don't see where they're going, they don't see where we're going. We know where we're going, but we don't need them to see us going there, you with me?

Man 2: Totally.

Man 1: (WALKS TO THE SINK. TURNS TAPS ON) I'm telling you, I should be an architect, one that just gets called in to place the location of the toilets. "No, you can't stick them there Sir Norman Foster - that bird can see the gents from her desk. She sees you step out 20 minutes later, she knows what you've done. What kind of working relationship can you have with her after that?

Man: (ON PHONE) Listen darling, if you want me to keep growing my hair, you're going to need to praise it regularly 'cos I'm not too happy with other people slating it...(OPENING DOOR & EXITING) Well why can't you be like Carol? She's constantly lauding Steve's hair?

Man 1: (URINATING) A nickname’s got to come naturally.

Man 2: (URINATING) I couldn’t agree more.

Man 1: (URINATING) I’ve only just met the cunt…

Man 3: Excuse me fellas, room for a small one? (UNZIPS)

Man 1: (URINATING) …and he’s telling me what to call him already.

Man 2: ((WASHING HANDS) Nicknames come about over years. Late night escapades, or working together for years. You can’t just expect a complete stranger to call you ‘TH’. I mean, what the fuck is ‘TH’ anyway? What kind of acronym is that?

Man 1: (URINATING) I find them kind of acronyms don’t work without a ‘J’.

Man 2: (WASHING HANDS) Oh you need a ‘J’.

Man 1: (WASHING HANDS) JR, JPR, JT…

Man 3: (WASHING HANDS) JZ…

Man 1: Yep, JZ works. Shouldn’t work, but it does.

Man 1: (URINATING) Does it get quite hot in Ghana?

Man 2: (URINATING. RELUCTANT TO ENGAGE IN CONVERSATION) Yes.

Man 1: (PAUSE) So what do they do with all the chocolate? Do they refrigerate it?